


Take Me to Church

by GeckoGirl89



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Confessional, Danny-centric, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Mention of Warn-Worthy Canon Events, POV Danny "Danno" Williams, Pining, Religious Guilt, Roman Catholicism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 07:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeckoGirl89/pseuds/GeckoGirl89
Summary: Danny's first instinct, whenever he had something to confess, was to go to a priest.





	Take Me to Church

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation of the tags: The main warning for this fic is religiously-based homophobia that is somewhat internalized by the main character (resolved by the end of the story). There is discussion of canon events that might require warnings (near main character death, marital infidelity, murder, and the mutilation of Matty Williams's body in 5.04). There's some past Danny/Rachel in this story, past one-sided Danny/Billy Selway, and past one-sided Danny/unnamed male characters.
> 
> General notes: Set after 6.25. For the purposes of this fic, Danny is single. Danny's religious views and background in this story is based on headcanons about Danny developed from scenes in 1.02 and 2.07. I did a bit of research, but some artistic liberties were taken with the confession ritual.
> 
> Written for the "confession" challenge at fan-flashworks during an amnesty round in February. The title is taken from the song "Take Me To Church" by Hozier. The flashback and the text messages are set off by italics.

Danny wasn't like most of his friends and family who could easily believe in some kind of God or higher power. There was something fundamentally at the core of Danny that tended to be more skeptical than not and tended to have greater anxiety than usual. As he had told Steve years ago, Danny could only believe in things he could see right in front of him (and sometimes not even those). If his "faith" was shaky when it came to the ordinary parts of his life, how could he have faith in God?

But Danny had been raised Catholic. That was why his gift to Kono after she graduated the police academy had been a medal on a chain of St. Michael, the patron saint of police officers. It wasn't as if he believed that the medal would magically keep Kono safe. But it was a meaningful gift, especially since the medal had originally been given to him when he graduated the academy.

And that was why he was sitting in a church parking lot right now on a Saturday afternoon. Because his first instinct, whenever he had something to confess, was to go to a priest.

Danny shut off the engine of his car and walked into the church. It had been a long time since he had gone to church and even longer since he had gone to confession. (That was to admit how he had committed adultery with Rachel when she was still married to Stan. Danny still felt guilty about that one.) As he stood in the line that led to the confession booth, he contemplated the confession he was about to make and how it had been similar to something he had confessed when he was only fourteen years old.

A considerably younger and considerably more confused and scared Danny Williams had confessed to having feelings for another boy. The kind of feelings that, in his own words, he "should have for a girl."

The priest reacted as Danny had expected and gave him a penance to perform. Danny never mentioned it again to another living soul, and the priest (who Danny knew had recognized him through the grate) hadn't treated him differently afterwards. But it wasn't as if rosary beads and Hail Marys could make Danny straight. All it did, really, was cement Danny's conviction that he was wrong and broken inside.

Danny eventually came to regret not telling anyone. Because even though Billy Selway was, to the best of his knowledge, completely straight, they could have had a chance before Billy died at the young age of sixteen. Danny's family was as supportive as they could have been after Billy's death, but it would have been nice for someone to know that Danny was grieving more than the loss of his best friend.

As the years passed, Danny noticed a few other men, but he tried to stamp out those thoughts as soon as they occurred. It didn't always work, but it could have been worse, Danny supposed. It wasn't as if he was completely gay, and he usually gravitated towards women. But he was hiding a part of himself that was large enough to be significant.

And that significance had only grown since he met Steve McGarrett.

That incident with Steve getting shot on a plane a few months ago had brought things to light for Danny. He had been perilously close to another Billy Selway situation, where his best friend died before Danny could confess how he truly felt. Danny had turned 40 years old that year, a milestone birthday that made him re-evaluate his life. He was officially middle-aged, and frankly, he was tired of being stupid and afraid.

Grace was about the same age as Danny had been when he made his confession about Billy. If she had told him that she had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, Danny wouldn't have reacted with anything but mild surprise. He couldn't imagine telling his baby girl that she was wrong or "sinful" if she liked another girl. He couldn't imagine reacting with anything but acceptance if any of his friends or family members came out to him. But it was harder for Danny to consider his own situation with the same absolute clarity.

That was why Danny had to start here, with the conversation that would be easiest and hardest at the same time. Easiest because Danny would be somewhat hidden behind a grille and speaking to a stranger since he had picked a church he had never gone to before. Hardest because he knew that he wouldn't find acceptance here, and despite Danny's tendencies towards paranoia, he knew his parents had no problem with gay people and he didn't think anyone he knew in Hawaii did either.

The reason Danny was so confident about his parents was a lesbian couple about their age had lived down the street from them as long as Danny could remember. His parents treated Jean and Margaret just as they would any of their other neighbors, and Danny didn't get the feeling that it was based on any "love the sinner, hate the sin" stuff. And then there had been the conversation they had back in 2004, when he was still happily married to Rachel.

_The news had just shown a clip of President Bush calling for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriages. His mother, who was never shy about voicing her opinion, shook her head in disgust. "Ugh, what an idiot."_

_Danny glanced out towards the backyard where Eric was playing with Grace. It was easier to focus on his daughter than the television. The news didn't exactly apply to Danny anymore, but it still sent a chill through him._

_"I never understood the name of that act anyway," his mother continued. "Defense of Marriage... pfft. Who are they defending their marriage from, zombie hordes?"_

_His father, who had been reading the sports page, chuckled into his newspaper._

_Rachel grinned. "No, I believe it's **gay** zombie hordes." It wasn't as if things were especially different in England, but Danny could tell that Rachel thought the president's words were "backwards." She had expressed similar socially liberal opinions before._

_"You agree with me, don't you, Eddie?"_

_Danny's father glanced up from his newspaper to look at his wife. "Of course. A few gay people getting married is hardly going to end Western civilization." He rolled his eyes at the president's rationale for the proposed amendment. "Gay people are just people. If Jean and Margaret from down the street wanted to get married, for instance, it wouldn't be that big a deal."_

_Danny's dad turned his attention back to his newspaper, and his mother commented about something that had happened to her earlier that week. Rachel asked her a question about it, and Danny, unnoticed by everyone, sighed in relief._

Danny's mind returned to the present when he realized that the person in front of him had just exited the confessional booth. Danny took a deep breath and steeled himself for the confession he had prepared to make.

The initial steps in the confession were familiar and soothing. Danny made the sign of the cross and admitted that he hadn't been to confession in six years.

"That's a long time," the priest said.

When Danny glanced at the priest through the grate, he looked gently concerned. He probably didn't want to seem too judgmental about the fact that Danny had clearly been a bad Catholic in hopes that this confession would bring Danny "back into the fold." Danny doubted that it would.

Danny laughed uneasily. "Right, it has been."

"This is the part where you confess your sins," the priest reminded.

Danny swallowed heavily. The biggest sin he had committed since going to confession was killing Marco Reyes. Taking a life in cold blood was a serious offense, even if the man whose life he took had murdered his baby brother and stuffed his body into a barrel. But Danny had paid for that crime when he got sent to jail in Colombia, and when it came down to it, Danny wouldn't have changed what he had done even if it did end up eventually sending him to hell.

The priest cleared his throat, and Danny was reminded that he needed to actually say something. Danny sighed and released the words that he had wanted to say for a long time.

"I'm in love with another man." Danny's voice came out surprisingly steady, considering how clammy his hands felt. He was also proud of the fact that the statement was clear, with no room for the priest to misunderstand what Danny had meant. Actually saying the words was an immense relief. Danny no longer felt as if someone was standing on top of his chest, even if he hadn't said Steve's name. Danny pictured Steve in his mind.

The priest didn't say anything, so Danny continued. "In all of the ways that would typically go along with it. Including the impure thoughts." Danny blushed at that particular admission.

"I see." The priest's tone of voice was rather mild. He had probably heard many similar confessions in his time.

He was probably expecting to hear if the "impure thoughts" had progressed beyond mere thoughts, but Danny wasn't ready to admit that they had, multiple times. That would be rather prurient, and it wasn't really the point of this confession, anyway.

"I'm thinking of telling him," Danny said. Before the priest could respond, Danny sighed. "And if he felt the same way as me, I would be with him. In ways that you would probably think are a mortal sin."

"You don't?" the priest challenged.

Danny briefly imagined what it would be like to be with Steve, to kiss him good morning and good night, to wake up with Steve's arms surrounding him. He couldn't find a single thing wrong with being in a loving relationship like that.

"I don't," Danny said. Whatever guilt he had felt about this issue had been the vestiges of what others thought. It wasn't what Danny believed, and it had disappeared as soon as he actually pictured being with Steve.

"I can't offer you absolution unless you are truly repentant," the priest chided.

"I know." Danny shook his head, realizing that he had only really wanted to talk to someone about this, even if getting things off of your chest was only part of a Catholic confession and not even the most important element. "I'm sorry for wasting your time, father."

"You didn't waste my time, and you can always come back when you're ready to offer a true confession," the priest offered. Danny knew he wouldn't, at least not on this particular subject. "Do you have any other sins to confess?"

There were other things Danny could have mentioned, but he decided not to. "No, I think I'm done here."

Danny exited the confessional booth and the church, and he felt freer than he had before he entered. He didn't need forgiveness from God, a priest, or anyone else when it came to this. Of all the things Danny had done and felt, this was among the least wrong.

On his way out to the parking lot, Danny heard a beeping noise on his cell phone. He opened it up to see that he had a message from Steve.

 _You still on for Side Streets later?_ The team had planned to get together that night a few days ago.

Danny felt a swarm of butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he read Steve's message. But the fluttering was only composed of anticipation. There was no longer the bile of self-recrimination that had been there before.

 _Yeah, I'm in._ Danny bit his lip and decided to add the next part. _See you later, babe._

Steve responded quickly, as if he had been waiting for Danny's response. _See you later, Danno. Love you._

Danny grinned down at his phone and leaned against his car, not caring if he was acting like Grace did when she was texting with Will. He was kind of a mushy, lovestruck idiot when it came to Steve, but that was okay. _I love you, too._

Danny pocketed his phone and entered his car. He thought that maybe, some day in the not too distant future, he would feel prepared to tell Steve exactly how he loved him. His first confession had gone well, and he felt hopeful about the confessions he planned to make to other people.

As he drove home, Danny couldn't stop smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted here: http://fan-flashworks.livejournal.com/781795.html


End file.
